Romantic love is not for the weak of heart. It is exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. It is here that we hopefully have our most emotionally and sexually intimate moments with another human being. It is here that our most painful emotional wounds eventually surface in order to be exorcised. And it is here that we most deeply get to know ourselves.

There are millions of books out there on different ways to attract your soul mate and how to make them not run for the hills once he/she gets there. I ve read them in my search for that elusive key to unlock the mysteries of romance, and I will tell you that manipulation and control never create a meaningful and lasting relationship, and they certainly will not bring you peace. So what does?

Well, I am still not so sure. Actually, this article is a compilation of my experience of what works and what doesn't work in the world of love, at least for me. Love is a tough nut to crack. There are always new mountains to climb and valleys to transverse. It s a never-ending learning process.

I do not believe that there is an exact recipe for success for romantic relationships that fits every human being, as we are all very different. But, I do believe that there are several key factors that help keep human beings centered when they are brave enough to enter into a relationship.

In no particular order, I present them to you below:

~Practice Self-Acceptance~

Nobody is perfect. As human beings we have many different pieces that make up the entire puzzle of who we are. It is imperative that we explore the different aspects of our personalities: the good, the bad, and the ugly, in order to come to understand and have compassion for ourselves, so we can fully experience real love.

Relationships are the great mirrors to our souls. Our "stuff" will always be reflected back to us through our intimate partners. Soul mates push buttons. If there are things about ourselves that we do not accept, we cannot expect our intimate partners to accept them either. It s spiritually impossible. There are so many rewards that come with self-acceptance, one of them being less emotional walls to scale in a relationship, which means there will be much more positive energy circulating within the partnership.

~Focus on Your Essence~

There is a lot of pressure in society today to look and be a certain way. Having the body of a Victoria Secret s model, a big paycheck, a high-class car, designer clothes, etc are not the things of which an authentic relationship are built. They might be attractive and enticing, but they have no long-term staying power if you want the real thing.

We fall in love with each other s essence. Your essence is an intangible item that is not of this world. It is very powerful and at it s core, always beautiful. It is your soul.

When you focus on your essence, you begin to realize that you don t have to be or look a certain way, or have the best toys, to be the most magnetic person in the room. When you focus on your essence you are less likely to forget who you are, as many of us do, when you begin to fall in love with someone. This keeps the dynamics of the relationship much more interesting and positive. You don't lose you.

~Think Open Hand/Open Heart~

In simple terms: do not try to control your partner or the outcome of the relationship. This is tough, as we all have a picture in our minds of the way we think things are "supposed" to be, and can get pretty nasty and insecure when they start looking differently.

Control is a major issue in many relationships. It is very scary to take your hands off the wheel when you have an emotional investment in a relationship, but it is imperative to do so. Trying to control your relationship will most likely elicit the exact opposite response of what you would like to happen in the first place. Intuitively we know this, yet we do it anyway. We just can t seem to help ourselves, but we must! I am speaking from experience. This is where my wounds surface with a vengeance.

When I find myself wallowing in this dark place now, I tell myself to think "open hand/open heart." This means no clutching, emotionally or physically.

I visualize the essence of the relationship as a room and in this room is a door and several windows. In an unhealthy relationship, the doors and the windows are closed tightly. No air is circulating, and eventually the people in the room (relationship) either emotionally die or break one of the windows to run for the hills in order to be free.

A healthy relationship keeps the doors and windows wide open. Plenty of air is circulating and no one feels trapped. Relationships thrive in this environment. Keep your doors and windows open. If the person is meant to be in your life, all the open doors and windows in the world, will not make them leave. Trust that truth.

~Have Other Passions Besides Him/Her~

Nothing will suck the life out of romance then having no other interests in this world other then your mate.

Get a hobby! Do the things you love to do. By nurturing yourself, you will have more to give your partner. Learn to play golf, play your favorite sport, write a book, take up tennis, go back to school, or read a new book. Just do something other then focusing on the relationship. In other words, get a life!

~Go for Friendship See his/her Soul~

Sexual chemistry is an amazing phenomenon as far as I am concerned. It is wonderful, fabulous, incredibly important, and all those sorts of things, but it will not sustain a relationship forever.

Love changes over time. The initial hot passion you might feel for a person at the beginning of a relationship will mellow out over time and be replaced by something much more magnificent.

Being true friends with your intimate partner enriches all facets of the relationship, including sex. When you look at your partner, try to see beyond the physical and peer into his/her soul. Connect with them on a soul level, and you will find that communication will flow more freely, and the trust level between you will increase. Most importantly you will build your relationship on the most solid foundation that exists in the universe today...friendship.

~Love Lives Inside Of You! Nothing Outside Yourself Will Bring You Happiness~

You and only you are responsible for your happiness. Many times we unconsciously seek a romantic relationship to fill the empty spaces in our lives and hearts. This never works. In fact, we end up setting ourselves up for major disappointment when we come from this empty place.

No one, no matter how wonderful they are, can meet all of our expectations at every moment of every day. It is impossible. So what are we to do?

Stop looking for love in all the wrong places! Love lives inside of you. If you rely on yourself to fill the empty spaces, you will take a lot of pressure off of your spouse, which in turn can only enhance the relationship.

Fill the empty spaces in your heart. Love yourself. Accept yourself. Comfort yourself. Be what you are seeking to find. Be whole on your own, and then share that wholeness with your partner.

~Live in the Moment~

Hold a vision for your relationship, but be flexible. When you are spending time with your partner spend time with your partner. Many times we allow our minds to be off in the distant uncertain future somewhere, wondering what is going to happen with the relationship six months, one year or five years from now, instead of enjoying the present moment. This frame of mind breeds insecurity, In the song All the Way, one of my favorite Frank Sinatra tunes, Frank sings, "who knows where the road may lead us, only a fool would say." Listen to Frank. Don't worry about where the road may lead, just be present for the trip.

We must have faith that the universe knows what it is doing. Let go and enjoy the journey, knowing that wherever you end up will be the perfect place.

~Walk Through Your Wounds When They Surface~

There is nothing like an intimate relationship to push your hot buttons. A true mate will bring your issues to the surface for sure. As uncomfortable as this is, it is actually a wonderful thing. If fact, if you are with someone, that doesn t make your insecurities rise to the surface from time to time, I d be concerned. It s not natural. People say that love should be easy, but let s face it, it is not easy by any stretch of the imagination.

When these wounded moments arrive, as they surely will, try to see the situation as an opportunity to release the things that have held you back in the past. Name what you are feeling when your wounds surface. Fear of vulnerability, fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, and fear of abandonment, come up for most of us at one time or another. This is part of being human and nothing that we should be avoiding. If we avoid processing the feelings, we will never get past them.

Once you know what the wound is, walk right through it. Walk through your fear of being close to someone. Just acknowledge it s presence and keep on moving forward. Don t shrink back from the uncomfortable emotions. Once you allow yourself to walk through the wounds, you will see that you are strong enough to endure them, and they will lose their power over you.

~Practice the Golden Rule~

How many times did we hear from our parents when we were growing up recite the Golden Rule? "Do unto others, as you would like to have done to you." Makes sense doesn t it? But yet we do not always practice it, particularly when it comes to our romantic partners.

Think about the other person. Think about their feelings, their history, their wounds, and their visions, besides your own. Do things in the spirit of love, forgiveness, and understanding.

~Get A Daily Dose Of Spirit~

In the past, I ve been most likely to throw my spiritual values out the window when I got romantically involved with someone. I wanted to do it my way, not God s way. His way after all, might mean the relationship wouldn t fit the mold of what I thought it should be.

I ve learned to do things differently recently. My spiritual life comes first. This key helps all the other key principles mentioned above work in sync together. Believing in a power that is bigger then yourself and believing that this universe is perfect, no matter how terrible it may look at times, will help make inner peace a regular part of your daily experience. Peace will prevail in life and relationships, instead of fear. Definitely something exciting to strive for. Conclusion:

Whew! Love sure is challenging. In fact, many of us may wonder if it is worth it at times, especially after most of us have experienced painful breakups and/or divorces at one time or another. It is difficult enough to navigate around our own emotions & experiences, none the less navigate around someone else's. But as the saying goes, "good things never come easy", and love is the best of all things.

Connections with other human beings, particularly our most intimate of relationships, is the true substance of life. In the end, it is what really matters. I don t' believe we are born into this world just to run scared from love, wear nice clothes, and pay our bills on time. There's just got to be more.

We are meant to experience the fullness of life, including romantic relationships, and we are born wired with the ability to do so. Believe in your ability to navigate the challenging terrains of romantic relationships. We all just need to find the courage to swim in the mystery of it all, to let go, and to love.

浪漫的愛情不是為脆弱心靈準備的，因為它能夠讓人同時體會到極大的興奮和恐懼。浪漫的感覺很可能使我們同另一個人在情感和性上達到最親密的結合，它也可能會使我們最大的痛苦最終浮上水面，以便我們將其驅散，并且它能夠讓我們更深刻的認識自己。

有成千上萬的書教你怎樣吸引情人以及怎樣使他們不要移情別戀。為了解開浪漫愛情的秘密，我讀了很多這樣的書，我的體會就是靠操縱和控制維持的關系是沒有意義的，也不會長久，并且絕對不會和睦。那么我們該怎么做呢？

其實我也還不確定。實際上這篇文章只是我的經驗總結，關于在愛情世界里什么有用什么沒用——至少對我來說。愛情是塊難啃的骨頭，我們在愛情里總會不斷的遇到新狀況，我們不斷學習，卻永遠學不完。

我不想有哪個浪漫愛情的成功訣竅能夠適合每個人，因為我們各不相同。但是，我確實相信有那么幾個關鍵因素，在人們勇敢地開始一段感情后可以幫助人們受到對方的關注。

以下各條并沒有先后之分：

〜練習自我肯定〜

沒有人是完美的。同為人類我們卻各不相同，這就使我們對自己是何許人感到困惑。我們必須探究一下我們性格中各個不同的方面，好的、壞的、丑惡的，以便我們去了解自己、寬容自己，這樣有助于我們充分體驗真正的愛情了。

對于我們的靈魂來說，感情是一面巨大的鏡子。我們總能夠通過去我們的親密伴侶發(fā)現(xiàn)自己的“特質”。Soul mates push buttons.如果我們自己都無法接受自己的某些東西，那我們就不能指望我們的親密伴侶接受它們，因為從感情上就說不通。自我肯定能夠帶來很多好處，其中之一就是在感情上會少些隔閡，這就意味著會給戀愛關系帶來更多的良性循環(huán)。

〜關注自己的本質〜

在現(xiàn)今這個社會中要顯得與眾不同是很難的。維多利亞時代的身材、家財萬貫、高檔汽車、名牌服裝，等等等等，這些都不是建立可靠關系的基礎。雖然可能很有吸引力和誘惑力，但是如果你想要份真正的愛情，它們就遠遠不夠了。

我們戀愛是因為我們愛上了對方的本質。所謂本質是一種不存在于這個世界的無形的東西。它具有強大的力量，并且其核心總是美麗的。它是你的靈魂。

一旦你開始關注自己的本質，你就會認識到，其實你不必顯得與眾不同、也不必精心打扮，甚至也不必成為屋子里最有吸引力的人。一旦你開始關注自己的本質，那么你在愛上某個人的時候，就不太可能像我們一樣忘記自己是誰。這會使愛情變得更有趣更積極。你不會迷失自己。

〜考慮放手或者敞開心扉〜

簡單來說：不要試圖控制你的伴侶或關系的走向。這是棘手的問題，因為我們腦子里都某些事情都有一些“假定”的藍圖，一旦事情與它們不同，情況就會變得相當糟糕并且不再牢固。

控制欲是對很多關系來說都是個大問題。對一段關系投入感情時，你會很害怕放開手中的方向盤，但是卻必須這樣做。試圖控制你們的關系往往會帶來跟你希望的相反的結果。我們不僅要認識到這一點，而且無論如何要做到這一點。我們似乎總是忍不住，但是我們必須做到。這是我的經驗之談。我曾因此受過很重的傷。

當我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己陷入了這種狀況時，我告訴自己去試著“放手或者敞開心扉”。這意味著無論是感情上還是生理上都不再緊抓不放。

我想象關系的本質就是一間屋子，這個屋子又一扇門和很多窗戶。在不健康的關系中門和窗都是緊緊關閉的，沒有空氣循環(huán)，而關在屋子里的人要么死了不再愛要么打破窗戶，重獲自由，移情別戀。

而健康的關系則會保持門窗敞開，會有充足的空氣流通，沒有人會覺得自己被困在里面，關系能夠在這種環(huán)境下成長。打開你的門窗。如果你的生命中注定有這個人存在，那么即使門窗敞開他也不會離去。相信吧，這是真理。

〜除了他/她還有其他愛好〜

沒有什么會比除了伴侶就沒其他興趣愛好更容易使生活喪失浪漫的感覺。

培養(yǎng)一種愛好！做你愛做的事，在豐富自己的過程中可以給另一半帶來更多的欣喜。比如學著打高爾夫，練習最喜歡的運動，寫本書，學打乒乓球，回學校繼續(xù)學習或者讀本新書。只要不是只關注與你們的感情，隨便做點什么就行。換句話說就是振作起來！

〜和愛人做朋友—看清他的靈魂〜

激情是一種令人驚訝的現(xiàn)象，至少對我而言是這樣。它很美好，如同神話一般，并且異乎尋常的重要，和所有這些類似的事物一樣，但是它卻不能永遠維持人們之間的關系。

愛情會隨著時間而改變。在剛剛愛上一個人時所感覺到的火熱的激情將會隨著時間變得平和并被其他更美好的事情取代。

和愛人做朋友會使你們關系中的各個方面變得豐富，包括性�？此麜r不要只看他身體上的特征而要關注他的靈魂。如果能夠做到心靈相通，你就會發(fā)現(xiàn)溝通變得更加流暢，并且彼此間的信任感會增強。最重要的是，這樣做就是將你們之間的關系建立在了現(xiàn)今這個世界中最牢固的基礎上——友誼。

〜要用心愛對方！不是出自內心的不會讓你感到幸福〜

你，也只有你要對自己的幸福負責。很多時候我們會不自覺地尋找一段浪漫的戀情來填補空虛的生活和心靈，但是這絕對沒用。實際上，我們在填補這片空白的同時會產生更大的失望。

沒有人，不管他們多么美妙，能夠滿足我們每時每刻的期望。這是不可能的事情。那么，我們該怎么辦呢？

不要在錯誤的地方尋找愛情！如果你能夠依靠自己排遣無聊的生活，那么你的配偶身上的壓力會少很多，而這樣對你們的關系只能起到加強的作用。

填補心靈的空白，愛自己，接受自己，安慰自己，成為你想成為的人，保持自己的完整，然后與你的伴侶分享這種完整性。

〜享受當前的生活〜

對你們之間的關系有所設想，但是要靈活。當你和伴侶在一起時就要關注他。很多時候我們會對未來胡思亂想，想著這段感情在半年后會怎么樣，一年后會怎么樣，五年后又會怎么樣，而不是享受當前的生活。這種心情會讓我們心神不定，在我最喜歡的法蘭克·辛納屈的歌里有一首叫《All the Way》，他在里面唱道“誰知道這條路會將我們帶往何處，只有傻子才說知道”。相信這句話吧，不要擔心這條路會將我們帶往何方，只要準備好旅費就好了。

我們要相信一切都在向好的方向發(fā)展。享受我們的旅程吧，無論在哪里停下，對我們來說都是理想的場所。

〜傷痛浮現(xiàn)時，正視它們的存在〜

除非關系親密，否則沒有人會去碰觸你的敏感問題。毫無疑問真正的伴侶會和你討論這些問題。雖然這讓人感覺很不舒服，但實際上卻是一件好事。實際上，如果你和某人相處，卻沒有隨著時間的推移將你心底的不安說出來，就會讓人擔心了，因為這不自然。很多人說相愛是件容易的事情，但是事實卻是不管怎么想它都不是件容易的事情。

受傷時—肯定會有這種情況發(fā)生—要試著把這當作一次機會，將過去所有困擾你的事情說出來。傷痛浮現(xiàn)時，說出你的感覺，比如害怕脆弱，害怕親密，害怕拒絕，害怕被遺棄，這些情緒對我們大多數(shù)人來說總是時有發(fā)生。這是我們作為人類的一部分特質，沒必要逃避。逃避會使它們永遠纏著我們。

一旦你知道傷在何處，就要正視它們。不要再害怕跟某個人分享，只要承認它的存在并勇敢的向前就行了，不要因為感覺不舒服就退縮不前。一旦你讓自己正視了這些問題，就會發(fā)現(xiàn)自己有足夠的力量承受它們，就不會再受其所苦。

〜執(zhí)行這一金科玉律〜

在我們長大過程中多少次聽到父母背誦這一金科玉律——“己所不欲，勿施于人”？這句話很有道理不是嗎？但是在實際生活中我們卻并不總是在按照這條原則辦事，特別是跟我們的愛人有關的事情上。

為別人想想，想想他們的感情，他們的過去，他們的傷痛，他們的夢想，不要總想著自己。憑著愛、寬容與理解的原則做事。

〜每天補充精神食糧〜

過去，一旦跟某個人談戀愛，我就會把自己的精神價值拋之腦后。我有我自己做事的方式，不需要聽從上帝的。畢竟，他的方式也許會意味著這段感情并不符合我想象的模式。

但是最近我學會了按照不同的方式處理問題：精神生命第一。這個秘訣可以協(xié)助上面提到的所有秘訣同步發(fā)揮作用。相信在你之外有更強大力量，并且不管這個世界偶爾看上去是多么的糟糕都要相信它是完美的，這有助于你將內心的平和作為日常經歷一部分。平和而不是恐懼會在生活和人際關系中取勝。一定要去爭取那些能讓你高興的東西�？傊�：

噢！愛情肯定是具有挑戰(zhàn)性的。實際上我們很多人有時候都會想它到底值不值得，特別是當我們經歷了某次分手或者離婚后。要駕馭我們的感情和經驗相當困難，要駕馭別人的就更不用提了。但是俗話說“好事多磨”，而愛情就是最美好的事物。

與其他人相處，特別是最親密的人，是生活的真正本質。最后，這也是最重要的。我不相信我們出生只是為了對愛情戰(zhàn)戰(zhàn)兢兢、穿漂亮衣服或者及時還賬單。我們活著有更多的目標。

我們的目的是要充分的體驗生活，包括愛情，我們生來就有這種能力。要相信自己能夠駕馭充滿挑戰(zhàn)的愛情。只要我們有勇氣，就能夠探索愛情的奧秘，能夠輕輕松松，能夠真的去愛。